the 3 summits of love

Having been fortunate or unfortunate enough to bear witness to some of the most tedious and draining of marriages, I have become a sort of expert on what not to do. I’m literally the person you call if you really want to screw up your union.
For a long time submerged in the cynicism that only these kinds of observations can induce my mind ascertained that ‘marriage’ was as real as fairy tales, just another beautifully drafted story by the finest of authors that fulfilled the requirements of entertainment but with negligible if any utility in reality.
Only until I read the famous Leo Tolstoy quote, “all happy families resemble each other, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way”. Truth is there are an infinite number of ways to get it all wrong but the right way is always singular .I had wasted so much time delving into the many alternative negative forms of approaching the marital equation when all I needed to do was list down the few elements each failure lacked to find the right way, which are simple to uncover once you get to it.
With the sudden shifting of gears it was so easy for me to see some of the fundamental propellants of marriage that all these unions lacked. I call them the three summits of marriage.
To begin with when I say marriage I mean the connection of souls not necessarily the whole gown, priest and certificate charade (nothing against weddings).
These summits although they sound like maximas in and of themselves I would also like to think of as beginnings in a sense. Their achievement doesn’t mean the end but rather the starting point from which further improvement is to be exacted. Also they are somehow independent of each other because although realization of some affect the others and their growths are in harmony, they are not causes of each other and do not occur in any particular order.
This one is more of a physical summit as it is the profound veneration for (s)he who co-parents with you. When you have a child with a person every other relationship hitherto should fade in comparison. Not only because children are as great a gift as it gets but also the potent metaphor the life of a child holds. A child is a living emblem of love, whatever they are to bring to this world being a direct result of the love shared between two people. It is a remarkable profession of love to procreate with another especially in a world riddled with contraceptives.
Furthermore, with children the love is multiplied because loving your children is tantamount to loving your partner.
Although with rampant incidences of rape and careless sexual behavior it may at times seem like an abyss and for that this is a lower summit if the act of procreation is not as deliberate or there is denial of the child from either party.
This is a unique summit because it involves negativity. For a while I too wondered if the bad in a person can ever be truly accepted. This didn’t seem logical at all because if you love someone with ‘badness’ you must strive to change them. Which is true but it starts with acceptance of the bad. Acceptance which not only shows that you are hopeful of improving the bad situation in minimal instances but the improvement for a lifetime (willingness to stick around for the long haul).This is by far one of the more rare summits to achieve despite it being very preliminary because most people aren’t willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, personally I only have this with my mother, that relentless belief in another.
And the acceptance has to be for the bad because no one ever thinks of the wrong things they are willing to deal with in a future mate despite the fact that people aren’t perfect and this is most definitely not utopia. The packages that some of us come in are torn, dirtied and disfigured but the hope of a beauty inside still exists. It’s worth consideration to look for the bad in a mate instead of the good because only the bad needs work not the good.
This one according to me is by far the most advanced summit and requires much history and effort. This kind of friendship is usually the product of time and a myriad of small cumulative acts here and there. It requires philosophizing your partner, mastering them so well that you become an expert in loving them and only them because people are unique and they are all to be loved and handled differently.
It obliges you to forsake all other techniques you know of and learn only those pertinent to your partner; this comes with a dose of humility and patience that you must struggle with. If anyone is exposed to such specific and detailed love your relationship becomes a necessity for life, they will simply be unable to live without you hence the name ‘eternal friendship.’
The real complexity lies in the fact that this must be a simultaneous two-way exchange. It is a far reaching summit and is less attributed to how the relationship begun. It follows the rule of ‘love the one you marry, don’t marry the one you love.’ It has been one of the prominent reasons as to why the arranged marriages continue to work despite much rebuke.
The beauty of this summit is that it bridges gaps between any two different people be it a difference in age, race, social-class you name it because the summit is literally what you make of it. It holds as one of the more fundamental aspects of all great marriages and is by far the most enjoyable with every new knowledge of your partner you happen upon a new kind of beauty in them and for sure unanticipated discovery of beauty is always quite magical.


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